I lost big in the stock market. You can say my dreams are dashed. The Singapore Stock Exchange was a threshold for me to accumulate my wealth. On good months 20 fucking thousand per month wasnt a problem. And i spent money like it was water. I spent it like no one's business. I spent 2k per month on liquor. And people around me liked it. And from there i noticed the friends you have when you throw money around. And i was disappointed in a few people. It's differnt now. I have no money. I owe people money. And all the happiness is short lived. I passed 6 months as a trader, thought it would be able to substain my labelled lifestyle.
At 21 i spent 3k per month buying label stuff. And i realised it was all for nothing. If i ever get to earn that kind of money again, i will save it all up. If i had a chance again i will ensure i live a normal person's life. There's no need to parade around in labels. All i get is recognition. And it doesnt make me any happier. I just wanna be a normal person.
I had a talk with her yesterday. She held a first class honours degree in Atuacity and i dont know what the hell it was. I scrutinized the way she spoke and searched for her programms under within. She spoke with an inner fear. But it was a feeling of unfamiliarity that ruled the air. She modernised the conversation with easy and slow words. We conversed like i was a kid and she was a teacher. It was like we were worlds apart. I felt so much like a child.
And then i saw the differnces spaces we lived in. I thought i was one of the best in my group, and then i compared myself with her. I reflected, and realised that the world i was in consisted of nothing but enjoy enjoy and enjoyment. I felt embarassed at the manner i expressed myself. I need to improve my demeanour. I cannot be portrayed as a hooligan. I cannot be pictured as a gangster. Nor could i feel like i was a low class person.
I hold high dreams of myself. And although it might not be obvious, it is also that i wanna show a happy side of me. There are many issues i have to settle with myself. All are within my grasp, and i need to bring myself up to the next level. Maybe for the next few weeks or months i will try to spend alone. I wanna concentrate on my studies too. It feels like i've already wasted a whole shitload of my life. And it's time to do something.
It cant be explained. You cant see it. Maybe you can only feel it. Watch me next year.
7:41 AM